Letter to My Daughter

 

 

Scripture of the Day:

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me, and I will be saved.

Jeremiah 17:14

           

 

 

 

 

March 9, 2011

This is a letter that I wrote to Emily in Germany at this time.

Dear Emily,

They caught it pretty early they think. I’m having an MRI tonight to verify that. His analogy for what he removed from me was a golf ball. The skin of the golf ball is undamaged but the interior had defects. For them, the defects come too close to the outer skin for comfort – less than 1mm. So he gave me 3 choices:

1.     6 weeks of daily radiation – not chemotherapy

2.     Another lumpectomy to take out more to be sure and 6 weeks of daily radiation therapy

3.     Mastectomy and no radiation or chemo

Surgery for Sentinel Node Biopsy (will happen) they put a dye in and find the first lymph node it reaches and remove it and biopsy to find out if cancer has passed into my lymph node system. I am going to survive this. The problem now as I see it is making the decision. Part of me just wants to have the mastectomy and just be done!!! Part of me wants to save the breast, but radiation therapy scares me to death.

Before I decide, I’m to meet with the oncologist radiologist to discuss radiation and risks and side effects and a plastic surgeon to be told how reconstruction will take place. That way I can make an informed decision.

They have scheduled the Sentinel Node for March 28^th. They have allowed enough time for the mastectomy should that be what I decide. I have already told them that if that’s what’s going to happen, they are taking both. I am only going under the knife for this ONCE!! I talked to Butch’s sister, Tina that had the exact same thing. She only h ad one and she said she is terrified once a year when they mammogram the one she still has.

Last night I felt like the mastectomy was the way. Everyone (family) I talked to seemed to agree. I even joked that I was giving up my breasts for lent. Talking to David and Susan sort of changed my perspective in that the mastectomy would be like someone choosing an amputation because they have diabetes. It is very much the same thing…choosing life by amputation. But Tina says that every single day for the last 10 years she things about it when she takes off her shirt. But then, I don’t think one or the other will make that kind of difference on me. It will never leave my mind no matter what I choose. (And it hasn't in the 2 1/2 years since I wrote this.) I think what I’m feeling really sad and down about this morning is that what I’ll be thinking about every time that I change clothes or go to a doctor. I now have a legacy (for lack of a better word) that I don’t want. I guess I just have to suck that one up. Chuck said that God wild help me make the decision. This morning, I’m asking myself how will I hear His answer. The only think I can positively say is that I don’t want radiation and what does that leave me with? But maybe my perspective on radiation is flawed too, like it was on a mastectomy.

After the appt. with all the other doctors, I have an appt. the 16^th with my surgeon to decide what I’m doing. So I basically have a week to decide. I guess I’m still leaning toward the mastectomy. It still seems the only way to be just done with it. He did say that it is impossible to completely remove all breast cells...and those left could become cancerous too. At the very minimum, he wants to do choice #2 to be sure they got it all. I’ll let you know what the MRI says as soon as I know. I’m sure I won’t know anything tonight, probably in the next day or two.

There is some relief in that they did catch it early. It’s the decision that is weighing heavy. Let me know what you think. I love you,

Mom

I am getting tire of going to doctor’s offices so often and getting into hospital gowns. The decision is weighing me down because I have to live with my decision for the rest of my life.

 

I had the MRI. It was 20 minutes of don’t move, don’t cough with a “fire” alarm going the whole time. She said 5 to 7 days for results.

I have lost control. I have people telling me “be here then”, “wear this (gown) and open if front”, “take off your jewelry”, “sit here”, “lay there”, “which arm for your IV?

October 18, 2013
I remember this being a tough time for me. It seemed like everyone wanted a decision yesterday. During all of this I'm still going to work and trying to act normal. I just always seemed so exhausted with everything. But all those appointments were important in making good sound decisions about what I was going to allow them to do to my body. I needed the education they gave me about breast cancer.

Enjoy your day.