I Had Great Doctors

Scripture of the Day:

Psalm 103: 1-5 (NLT)

Let all that I am praise the Lord; with all my whole heart I will praise His name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things that He does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. He renews my youth like the eagle’s.

 

 

March 19, 2011

Thursday the 17^th was the closest day to normal so far…no doctor’s appointments, no place I have to be. On Friday, Ebony started having puppies. (My friend and I bred cocker spaniels together and Ebony is one of her mother dogs). She ended up with 10 puppies but one didn’t survive. There are 5 females and 4 males. The females are all some form of black. It was the first time I’d been excited about something since before this all started. I told David, but he got upset and apologized for mat being able to do for me what the puppies did. He’s not seeing that the puppies being around are short-lived. He’s here for the duration and being exactly what I need him to be. I asked him if he minded that we get one of the puppies. He said yes. But since I had my heart set on a chocolate or sable, I’m afraid I’m letting emotions make my decisions. I don’t want to do that. Before I knew I had cancer, if one of the puppies had been the right color, she was going to be Lilly’s Second Chance, since I lost Lilly (another puppy) in November.  When I found out I had breast cancer that name took on more significance.  I love that David didn’t argue… that I could choose. He didn’t really want one.

I feel bad because I haven’t kept Becky (my sister) up to date. I talked to her a long time today and felt good spiritually when we hung up about a lot of areas. Most importantly, she helped me to realize that this is not that important a decision that I have to make – implants or reconstruction. The life and death decision has already been made.  I shouldn’t give this one that much weight. So I was telling David what Becky and I talked about and he and I talked about the options.  In some he doesn’t like taking muscle for blood flow for reconstruction. I don’t like them cracking  any of my ribs. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” so to speak. The mastectomy was compared to a diabetic choosing amputation to live. You can’t begin to make the same comparison when creating breasts. On that premise, I ruled out reconstruction. That leaves implants – something foreign in my body. So, silicone or saline. Initially, I was thinking the silicone. The plastic surgeon said the “feel” more natural. David helped me to realize that vanity has not played a part in any decisions I’ve made so far. We talked about what would happen if they burst. We looked at specific silicone breast and saline breasts on Google.(ok I’m a little vane) We couldn’t tell the difference between either one. So if I take vanity out of the equation, then I’ve decided on saline implants. If they burst, at least my body and cells won’t be harmed. What a load off my shoulders. In all this writing, I don’t think I have said but I have to say how strong God is working in my life. He didn’t send me back to the doctor that did my biopsy two years ago. Effective or not, she was not honest about the procedure as I think she should have been. I was angry with her when I left. I suffered through this needle biopsy with useless local. I had to lie there still locked in a mammogram machine for a half hour while they dug around and didn’t get it any of it when we were shown the x-rays at Portsmouth Naval. God has put wonderful people in my path that have been open and honest with me. I feel it in my heart. They’ve been patient. They’ve said “I’m not the doctor to ask” and sent me to the right one. God’s kept me strong for the most part. Obviously, I have had my moments and that won’t end any time soon.  He’s led/guided my thinking all the way.

David thinks it’s a good thing keeping this journal. It could help someone somewhere down the line. If  you are that someone down the line reading this…Get God!!!!

Last night was the first time we’d had sex since before the biopsy. I bawled like a baby. I hate that it’ll become limited again here real soon. I have to remember that I don’t love him for what he can do in bed and vice versa. But I still miss it and feel so guilty because of it. I know that’s crazy.

We took a walk around the property looking at everything that’s growing. Once all the decisions were made, the whole tone changed.

We also looked at pictures of women after mastectomies. I’m glad I did. I don’t think what I’ll look like will be such a shock now. I’m sure that I’ll be asking my self “Oh my God! What have I done!”. But I hope I can answer “the right thing”.

Now – will Emily be coming home?

 

October 28, 2011

Some of this is really open and honest even if it's personal. But I can't imagine anyone reading this who has breast cancer can't relate. Maybe, it will help them hearing it as well. If you haven't read any of the previous posts, Emily is my daughter and in Germany. We were working with Red Cross so that she could come home and be with David during the surgery.

If you are making this journey as I am, may God bless you with his healing touch. I know He loves you.

I Run For Life - This song by Melissa Etheridge was my anthem then and still is now. Maybe it will lift you up.

 

Teeny Tot's Treasures - I maintain two blogs. You may find this one of interest on a lighter note. The crafting that I do has also kept me sane.